Cramming the last 6 months into my first post....

Hello all and welcome to my blog....................

So why have I started a blog?.........

Well I feel I have lots of stuff to get off my chest and the best way possibly is to document it and share with anyone that may be interested.

This blog is about my day to day life on how I am coping with an invisible illness know as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/M.E or I will now refer to this as CFS. I will whilst I am blogging tell you the symptoms as I tell my story instead of writing one big long boring list. (even though those who know me best know how I like to go on!)

So where did it all begin...........I remember it well, Xmas week 23rd December 2008, I was at work (I work as a call centre team leader for the Central Planning Department) and I was all excited I was finishing for two weeks the following day, the first time in a long time I was going to have both Xmas and New Year off...............all my presents had been bought and wrapped and was planning to party........well its one of the better things I do.

However that day at work I began to feel unwell, I think I had felt slight;y under the weather for a few days on all honesty but just thought it was a bug that would soon pass, but that day at work I was really unwell and I wanted to stay at work that day as I tried to tie up the loose ends before my leave. I was soon found in the toilets feeling really unwell, my legs were like jelly and I was feeling very flu like, I had pains everywhere in my body, my head pounding and I was so hot I felt like I was sitting on the sun. Needless to say I went home that day and straight to bed, thinking a good nights rest and I would be right the following day........only I wasn't.

I had headaches of the worst kind, like my head was in a vice and someone was tightening it, I was very feverish and felt like I couldn't stand up.

Okay 48 hr bug...............nope Xmas Day came and I was so unwell that I managed to dress and take myself to my mums after missing the breakfast at my father-in-laws.........the plan was I was having dinner at my Dad's for the 1st time in about 7 years...........I got to my mums managed to open a few presents see some family then I had to head for bed...............I had never felt so unwell.......I missed all of Xmas day............No dinner, No alcohol (No I knew then I was ill)

So Boxing Day came and I remember this day as my hubby was so worried as I was he called 999, an ambulance crew came did various tests said it was the flu and to rest............so off hubby went to the chemists and got every medicine known to try and make me feel better.

Okay so take plenty of fluids, paracetamol, and rest and I'll be fine for New Year............ermmmmmmm think again..........So New Year came and went the festive season passed me by in a daze of flu/cold remedies and I was due back at work on the 5th January 2009.........but did I feel better no I didn't I was still suffering like I had been for the previous two weeks, so I decided enough was enough and I managed to get out of bed and make it to my doctors surgery where I was told i had a viral infection and again to rest......by this stage I was sleeping more than I was awake, even small things like making a cup of tea completely wore me out.

I was getting more and more frustrated by the day, I hadn't been out in almost a month...and this does not mean drinking but even going to the shops was too much for me, and this was my first encounter with what people believe cannot happen to me I started to cry, and cry and cry.
Again I returned to the doctors as I had now begun to see itchy hives appear on me, and I began to think, I holidayed in Mexico during October 2008 and thought maybe I had some jungle fever!! After all I had been bitten over 40 times whilst there, so I was tested for malaria, glandular fever and various other things and all test came back negative so the doctor was again resorting to the fact it was a very bad viral infection , but the headaches i was getting were really starting to worry me now, I kept think is something seriously wrong in there so I discussed this further with the doctor who sent me for a MRI scan and again that came back clear................

Yes so what seems like hundreds of tests all negative.....Great.............or not so great! I was still ill, was it all just in my head?!?!? No I wouldn't accept that...........but I didn't have the strength at this time to fight, even having a shower each day or a bath took all my energy, I felt like I was a faulty rechargeable battery that would rest for days, become fully charged then after 5 mins be flat again........I knew this wasn't me and no matter how much I tried I just couldn't "Shake this off"

So we get to the end of February and I still had not returned to work, I had been off sick for 10 weeks and was now visiting the doctor almost twice a week It was also my Nan's 80th birthday and we were having a get together at the pub, how I managed to go I do not know but I survived about 3 hours and two pints of shandy, at 10.30pm I'd had enough and had to go home, but I thought I was on the road to recovery as I had lasted 3 hours!! Whoop!

I even returned to work and they have been completely understanding which I am extremely grateful for, the company and more so my bosses and colleagues have been quite kind and considerate though this that after some discussion I was to work part time initially then gradually work my way back to full-time...I finally started to feel normal again mixing with people. You may think "Yeah 10 week off work" I can tell you when you feel like I do its no joke, you feel isolated from the world outside, you start to think that people forget you, you think that they think you are just putting it on, that's probably why I try so hard all the time to be my old self as I don't think some fiends and family can deal with the sick Laura.

I was so very tired even after working 3 hours a day but just thought this is part of my recovery and it will take my body time to adjust, so week on week I started to increase my hours but still felt rotten how I managed to get through the next 7-8 weeks at work is beyond me but I just felt like I had to do it, to be normal, I was having to sleep and rest all weekend just to get ready for Monday again, but by Wednesday's I would be completely drained, I managed to get up to just over 30 hours a week and then one day after about 7 weeks, even though I knew I had been badly struggling for about a week but saying nothing as I just didn't want people to think bad of me I just lost it........I rang my boss in floods of tears saying I just couldn't do it and went home........this was on the 28th April and I have been at home ever since!

I went straight back to the doctors and saw and new doctor..........who will remain nameless but I left the surgery feeling worse than ever...........as all my bloods were clear she said I was depressed, which I can see why now, I mean I nearly flooded the surgery that day...........where had all these tears come from??? Maybe they were the ones I (the heartless bitch) had saved for many a year, she wanted to put me on anti depressant which I flatly refused............."I AM NOT DEPRESSED I'M ILL" I kept saying, yes I was crying and probably felt down but understand this I had been ill for 5 months and all that was being diagnosed was a bloody VIRAL infection!!! I now dislike that word very much!!


So sobbing uncontrollably into my rock of a husband who I will say now I love very much and if it wasn't for him first and foremost I probably would be in a padded cell, as he believes me and witnesses each day how I struggle behind closed doors, how the "Hard Shell" is actually cracked and falling apart, I just didn't know where to turn.

I went back to the doctors the following day and say the GP who I will only go to now, he sat and listened again through my tears about how the last 5 months had been for me, that there was no way in this world I was depressed, and we discussed at length everything, and he said he wanted to do some more blood and that I was to see him in a week, so more blood was done all cam back clear and that was when he said the words, I don't think you are depressed......(music to my ears) and it was possible it was CFS.............hmmmmmmmm at last not that BLOODY VIRAL INFECTION!!! That I had heard for the previous 5 months. He was very honest and said he didn't know to much about it and that he would read up on it himself and he would refer me to a specialist who is interested in this area.....(Appointment is on 13 th July....!)

So a diagnosis.........what does this mean...........well after surfing the Internet daily and buying books on the subject I have learnt so much about an illness not many people are aware or if they are they do not have a full understanding of.

Its not just tiredness.............although for me that is the major factor and I know I said I would do a list but I am because its easy that way, these are just some of my symptoms..............Extreme Fatigue, Headaches, Swollen Lymph Nodes, Muscle Aches, Jelly Legs, Nausea, Insomnia, Mood Swings, Unrefreshed Sleep (even after 12 hours or more or less) Sore Throat and Ear Pain.

Some days I can go out although walking for more than 20 minutes is a very hard, I can cook, I can clean the flat, and even go fishing for a few hours..............Some days sadly I cannot get out of bed , and getting drinks or food is so very hard. Each day is very unpredictable and I must start to learn how to manage this but the last 6 months have been such a whirlwind I am finding it hard to absorb info too.

I can no longer plan for future events, but take things daily "Depending on how I feel", I find myself becoming jealous of family and friends going out enjoying themselves because I would usually be the first there drinking and dancing stupidly, I try and make jokes about being ill as I feel that what some people expect of me but it hurts but I would never show it as I have said before only those really close to me know me for who I really am, I'm not the "tough nut" I try to be I hurt and feel pain and get sad just like everyone else.

So that brings me to this blog...........and God have I cried just writing the above............my laptop is swimming...............I just think this could be an outlet for all those feelings I bottle up.............I just now feel the need to let them out...........without having to go on a course of anti-depressants.

I am not ashamed to say I am ill, I am no longer ashamed to say I cannot do things that I used to do, its hard to accept this but I am going to have to, just like my family and friends will have to accept that for the moment I may be sad, I may be happy, I may be moody, but at the end of the day I am still Laura............just a little different on some days!!!!!!!!! (as I was before teee heeee)

If you ring me or text me and I do not answer or you offer to visit and I say not today please do not take offence it just means I am having a bad day, on my good days I promise to share the old me with you.................if I feel I can manage it.............Just dont expect too much....................

So here goes this is the first chapter in my blog!!!!! Whoopppppppppppppp

I aim to bog each day or in the least 4 times week so please feel free to read and visit this when you want.........................


I just want to say thanks to Ferg............I love you so much and I am very proud to call you my husband and I would be lost without you, you are "My Lobster"

To my family, Thanks for your support I love you all...............

And to my friends...........Thanks for your support and being there. I ove you all too...................................

Happy Reading everyone!!!


Jeezzzzzzzzzzzzz I must sleep now!!! Be back in a day or so......................!!! :-)