So Angry....SoTired........

Well What a bloody week its been.......I'm so upset, angry and tired at the minute, but I will try and explain in polite words why........

I am with no surprise not being paid by Argos anymore, even my SSP ran out, so I am claiming a benefit called Employment Support Allowance or ESA as I will now refer to it.
The benefit for the assessment phase is £65 a week, until you have a medical to determine then if you can get £89 per week.

You have to get 15 points at the medical to receive this, if you don't you can appeal or if you cannot return to work you can go on the dole......so I hope that briefly describes it....

If you do score 15 pts some people are put into a group where they will probably never work again other will be placed in the work support group which is where you are encouraged to return to work or maybe get a job that with your illness/disability you can do, and some training can be offered etc etc......

Well I had my medical last Wednesday 13th Jan, yes we left early to go to Wolverhampton in that snow...as didn't want to miss it, even though I was feeling like cack!!

I saw a nurse who seemed extremely nice and Ferg was with me in the room too, she went through the assessment asked me lots of questions, what can/cant you do etc...so I was honest, said I heavily rely on Ferg and family/friends to help me, that's Ferg does most of the cooking, cleaning, and even helps me to bath
Yes you see I rely on Ferg alot more than I probably let on to everyone...you see friends and sometimes family only see me on "Good Days" which are becoming less frequent at the minute as when I'm having a rough time like I have for the last 2 weeks I spend most of the time in bed or on the sofa....Now I'm not after sympathy this is just my reality.....

So I had this 40 minutes BASIC assessment....yes 40 minutes to assess me on how I have been in the last 13 months bodes well I know........and when I say basic it was "Turn your hands over" "Raise your arms"....all of this just once!

So I left and awaited the outcome hoping and praying I could get in at least the work support group.........Low and behold I got a letter on Friday to say I scored 0 yes zero nil zilch nothing.........and that if I could work then claim the dole or I could appeal........

OMG!!! I have never cried so much in all my life and it wasn't because of the money it just felt like the last 13 months hadn't happen that I wasn't believed.......I felt absolutely destroyed......

Lucky for me I use a very good forum where I feel I have made some good friends over the past 2 months, its called Foggy Friends, and they are always on hand for a laugh and chat and also so very good advice.
Of course I am appealing.....I just never thought it would be so hard....I suppose that the price people with real illnesses pay for some many years of others abusing the system and still do......and also some of the medical profession still refusing to believe this illness....I try not to get upset, angry and mad as it wears me out but its just so grrrrr!!!

So I requested straight away the appeal form..and also the copy of the medical report...they both came Saturday morning.......The report was somewhat correct but there were some exaggerations, and also some false info that I did not say and mis-interpreted......

I wont list it all for you but basically it said I was well kempt....Does this mean I should have turned up dirty? God I still have some dignity!!
I could open a door!! I could walk 10 metres and I could get things out of my small bag!!

Yes so this does really does mean I am fit for work.....can you believe.....nothing to state that after doing these tasks I'm completely knackered...nothing to say that I rarely make breakfast.dinner/tea.......
Oh but why would it!!???!!! As that would be the truth........Maybe I should go as a drug addict or alcoholic.....they seem to get more joy.....just makes me mad.....Would I really want to give up work, nice holidays, days out etc,,,,to have £89 a week in benefits....NO..........This illness is hard enough without having to fight things more.........

The the bit that made me laugh was...."I recommend that the a return to work COULD be CONSIDERED in 3 months"

What the hell......so I'm sick but not that sick yet I may return to work in 3 months?!?!?! I just don't get this sometimes!!

I mean this blog has taken me almost 4 days to write....I am just so damm tired at the minute.....I have gone back to sleeping in the day.....I should have gone into work twice but due to feeling really unwell, tired, weak, body aches I just couldn't manage it.....Thankfully Jayne is very understanding at work......and I feel under no pressure to go in at this stage......It must be frustrating for her too but I am thankful of how she has offered support through this and I tend not to worry about work at the minute.

So at the minute I am compiling my appeal...this is also a lengthy process, not only to do the appeal but I may not get a hearing for up to 6 months!! At least during this time they will still pay me some money.......Great yeh!! Oh and they don't even take anything from your own doctors or specialists........I LOVE THIS SO MUCH!!! not!

Anyway.....in the meantime for some company during the day Ferg agreed I could have a hamster....okay so Nando cannot talk, or do tricks, but at least I can talk to him and watch him run around the tubes in his cage like a mad man and roll in his ball on the floor for hours.....Nando is his name.....No not after the chicken place...Fernando Torres a Liverpool player of course...

So this will do for now.....I will keep you all updated on how things are and try to be a bit more regular with blogging........again!!

Thanks to all those who have sent message's of support I really appreciate it.....I will stay as strong as I can......

Today's pic is Nando........my furry friend!!

Thanks for reading.........Talk soon LFB xxxx

Just want things sorting..........

Hello Again....Its me!!

I think I have just about recovered from a bout of Man-Flu....damm it was horrible......I haven't had a cold like that in years....and with a poor immune system since having M.E it hit me harder than I thought.....But Beechams (well tesco's own brand!) saw me though and I survived it just about!

I'm not feeling like I'm in a good place at the minute, I think because I've been ill for a year I still feel I am no further forward than 12 months ago, although I know I've come along way I think I just need loose ends tying up one way or another as I'm ready to move on to the next chapter.

I have my first of 6 Pathways to work interviews on Friday at the Job Centre, The advisor Emma was very nice to be fair, after hearing some stories I was very weary but I needn't have been.
She explained about financial help I could get whether I returned to work or not and what benefits I could possibly get and also course I could go on to possibly train in another job that would not be as demanding. She is also going to keep an eye out for jobs from home that I cold possibly do maybe like data entry etc....

I felt happy when I left I left as I feel no pressure at all that I had to return to work and that I have top do any courses etc...which is good as at the minute I don't feel strong enough to do that, don't get me wrong some days I do but some days I don't and I don't think to many companies will allow flexi working as I may need it, and as she also said my health comes first.

If I could work I would.....

I have my ESA (that's employment and support allowance it replaced Incapacity Benefit) medical in the morning which I am a bit tentative about...I read in the paper that an M.E sufferer could pick a pencil of the floor so they declared her fit for work!!! I mean do these medical people at ATOS (that's the people who assess you on behalf of the claims dept) know anything!!! Anyhow I will go open minded and tell them what my life is like then they can make a decision.......Ferg will be with anyhow.

I hope then once all this is done I can then work out with Argos what the best outcome is (which I already know in the back of my mind) and move on with my life.....That's all I want, I'm not saying by these decisions everything will be fine but it will take the monkey off my back so to speak, I wont feel I'm in between things then, if that makes sense.

So I will update in a few days to let you know how my medical went......

Todays picture is one from Xmas Eve...Me and my nephew Louis pulling silly faces....

Take care speak to you all soon..........LFB xxx

Xmas-New Year and all that Jazz!!!!

Well....Okay Naughty me....not been blogging again.....Well it was Xmas didn't ya know!!

So here we all on in the Tennies or whatever they will be know as.....and whats changed? Not a lot.....but we shall give it time......

Well as you know my last xmas was a complete washout...I was hoping a praying that this year It would be better.....Oh and it was!!

We loaded up the car an took the 5 minute car journey on Xmas eve to my sisters, god she must have thought we were moving in!! I was so excited as I was feeling ok compared to other days I have.

We packed the kids to bed early after laying out Santa's mince pie etc....which Ferg ate!! Sorted out there presents and finally got into bed at 11pm.

I have not stayed at my sisters new house before and because of the strange surroundings I slept poorly, and was up at about 6am to see my 2 nephews excitidly open there presents.....I was feeling so tired I though OH OH...I'm not gonna last all day...........however as my mum was having dinner at my sisters and and I was going to go my nans and see my Dad when he got there too I only had to go my nans house on xmas day rather than the usual 3-4 house visits!!

I had some great presents, pants, socks, shower gel...lol.....and lots of books a book vouchers that will keep me busy for sometime...I had a xmas dinner this year too...last year I missed it all.....

I survived the day!!!! and I had a few cheeky drinks along the way!!

I slept like a log that night too......brilliant!! Boxing came and my sister again played host to the family........we had a buffet going on, with of course some alcoholic beverages and karaoke for the xbox........we had a fab day laughing, drinking and singing although I overdid it and was sick through alcohol!! Too much Too quick!! My own fault......I went to bed at half 9 with the room spinning!! But I HAD FUN!!! And to me that is all that mattered......I mean last boxing day Ferg had to call an ambulance to me.......!!

We stayed at my sisters until Monday.......Sunday was a day of rest...we had a lovely roast beef dinner at my mums.....then when we went back to my sisters I did have an afternoon sleep....well I had deserved it!!

The days in between Xmas and New Year I rested as I was feeling the effects of over indulgence, I did manage to nip into town and buy some books with the vouchers I had from my birthday and Xmas...so that will keep me occupied for a while.....

I also went to see my GP on NYE too, as my indigestion is still bad, he gave me some more tablets and some peptec and will refer me to see someone at the hospital about it, we also discussed my B12 injections......He said they will continue with them but once every 3 months.....I am quite concerned about that and spoke to him about my concerns but he said lets try it first and if I feel I need it monthly then maybe we can revert back to that.....I'm not convinced but what can I do.....I can break in the surgery and inject myself......so I am taking some tablets from holland and barrett to help.....I think they are helping but only time will tell..........will keep you posted!

So NYE came....and by 8pm I really thought I was gonna have to hit the sack....but a few shandies later I got that familiar drunk feeling and stayed up until 4am!!! I know MADNESS.....We had a family/friends party at my mums...beer and food.....I made a chicken and a beef curry...(I don't eat them) but they went down a storm........as did the beer!!

Yes I did pay for it, for the last few days but SO WHAT!!! I had the most fun I'd had in a year, and I would do it all again........although I ma not planning on pulling the same stunt every weekend!! But once in 12 months......Yes I can handle that!!!

Anyhow the next two weeks are busyish...........On Friday I have a Pathways to work interview at the job centre.....and the following Wednesday they are sending me to Wolverhampton for a medical!! Great fun! Also this week see's the last few days of my dog sitting duty........arhhh she even bought me a xmas pressie...so sweet....

So that Xmas and NY all done and dusted and I must say I enjoyed it.....even though I am knackered!!

This year I hope I will sort alot of things out in my life to enable me to move on and live with CFS/ME...........

Stay tuned for the next installment..........

Today's picture is me and my cousin drunk on NYE pretending to be Jedward!!

Happy New Year to you all

Catch ya soon..................LFB xx

Tis the season to be jollyyyyyyyyyy!!!!

Hello Again!!!

Hope your all well and settling in to the season of goodwill.........I'm just sat here waiting for a glimpse of snow.....apparently London have it......may soon be here!!! I hope for snow on xmas day...makes it feel that little more special doesn't it........

Well I suppose I best tell you how Im getting on...........quite well the last few days...and I suppose its not coincidence that it was injection day on Monday!! Oh How I am starting to love that B12 ribeana looking liquid!! even if just for a few weeks..........IT HELPS!! PLEASE LET ME HAVE MORE!!!!

Towards the end of last week I was really feeling poorly, I'm still having trouble with my digestive system.....so I will wait for a bit like the doctor said then if it continues I will go back.........I had the worst headache imaginable.......It seemed to have lasted days and days, I felt like someone had whacked me in the back of my head with a hammer, the only time I didn't feel it was when I was sleeping.

I have spoken to many sufferers and I am quite lucky with quality and quantity of sleep I get, some days its a fight to stay awake, but its worth it as I then sleep well at night, during the day when I do feel like I could drift off I just rest and let it pass by....Its hard but more beneficial.

Anyhow I've had the jab and although I don't feel it being as beneficial as the first one I had I do feel the benefits, I am not as tired, and I have less symptoms, the headaches ease and the body aches ease......Although not completely gone I find I can manage more.....I just hope the doctor see's it that way too....I suppose it doesn't help having a little cold hanging onto me either............

My immune system is so low as my antibodies are I just seem to pick anything up really quickly...........SO MUCH FUN!!

I cannot quite believe too that this weekend coming will be my 1 year anniversary of being ill......I don't think I will be celebrating that!! Although I do feel that in the last 12 months I have come along way.....I mean for months I didn't go out not even to the shops where as now once or twice a week I can manage that. Little by Little and day by Day I will beat this and if it takes time then so be it.....

The worse thing for me at the minute is my work situation.....Like I said work have been 150% amazing, I couldn't ask for anything else, I just hope that I can get back there, even part time maybe, although they and I am not putting ANY pressure on myself to, and if I have to leave then so be it.....I will concentrate on getting better or managing my illness better then look for some other employment.........who knows at the minute though.........

I am also dog sitting for my brother 3 days a week at the minute, as his usual dog sitter is on a holiday for weeks, its not demanding, I don't have to take Becca (that's the dog) for a walk, as my brother does that....my mum picks me up about 10.30 am.......and me and Becca just chill on the sofa watching DVD's (Prime suspect at the minute, WHY have I never watched this before its fab!) then Ferg gets me about 4.30pm and that me done.......its only 3-4 days of the week....and its only like being at home and I must say the dog is good company...she is soooo lovely too......I will upload a pic soon of her.

Xmas is also fast approaching and I still have to wrap some pressies.........I don't like this much......DAMM!!
Like I said previously last xmas for me and Ferg was a washout really.....ambulance on boxing day...lots of drama!! OMG.........So this year I aim to enjoy it all.......then rest for 12 months to get over it!!

Well that's ya lot for today......today's picture is my and my bestest mate....who came to visit me on Saturday and ate all my bloody biscuits!!

Take care Talk soon..........Love LFB xx

Weekend In Gretna Survived....Just !!

Hiya Guys and Gals.....How are we all?

Well in 2 words......IM KNACKERED!! So for a few days my body will again be in recovery mode...but it was sooooooo worth it, I survived my best friends wedding but only just!!

I have a little energy left so while I still remember what I have done the last few days I thought I best write it down.....although Loose women is interrupting this process...grrrr daytime telly I am becoming more sucked in to this life.....!

Anyhow I had the worst possible start to the weekend imaginable, I woke up on the Friday morning at 4am...and could I get back to sleep...NO....arghhhhhh sleep is so important to me and I usually sleep so well...but I did the worst thing possible on Thursday..I fell asleep as I spent most of the day in bed resting...I haven't slept in the day for a few months and it really makes a difference forcing myself to stay awake in the day in order to have some quality sleep in the night.....Oh well I thought cant do nothing about that.....

We set off on the mini about 10.30am.....and I just popped my MP3 player on....lay my head on my pillow and rested at the back of the mini bus up the M6.....we had a great journey to be fair, and arrived at Gretna about 3ish....missing out all the usual Friday traffic on the car park otherwise known as the M6...........when we got there though I felt sick...., like physically sick.....I don't think the latte I had from the service did me much good....so as soon as we had the key to the room I was in the loo being sick......hmmmmmmmmm great!

Friday night the gang had a few drinks in the bar, whilst I stayed in bed...rest and sleep was what I needed, and as I had made it this far I wasn't gonna miss Dawn's big day.

Saturday morning came and although I felt groggy I felt 100% better than the previous night....I went and ate breakfast and then showered and changed the wedding was at 11:30am.....OMG again though I was sick.....Great!!.......I did actually make it through the ceremony...oh it was great Martyn and Dawn both looked fab...in fact as Dawn entered the chapel then stood next to him I couldn't help but cry...what a wally!! No-one else was...I looked round and prayed I wasn't the only one....Oh well I must be getting sentimental in my old age!

We went on to have the meal...which about an hour after prompty came back up....not good!! all this food just not digesting...and I need food as my energy....argghhhh........I made it out on the night for a few hours like everyone else as we were all knackered...and once I'd had some Bacardi Breezers (yeh not great when you've been sick....but I just thought if I'm gonna be ill I'm gonna be ill regardless so what the hell!) I had some fun.......The journey home was good, again I just rested and we got back within 4 hrs...........I am really pleased I made it to my best mates wedding, as 6 months ago I just didn't think I would....I think also that my friends saw how ill and how quickly it can come on which in a funny way helped because although I tell them about it and they read this to see how I am and how quick this can shoot me down speaks louder than words, but all of them who were there were very supportive, and kept checking I was OK....again I may be ill but I am so blessed to have family and friends like mine......without them this illness could have taken me down a very depressing path and although some days I am down, one of them will say a few words and it picks me they are great....!

So the sickness thing...I had this trouble before and some tablets the doctor gave me helped, I went to see him again yesterday and he has given me some different ones to try and if this sickness continues he will refer me to have a endoscopy to make sure nothing serious is wrong with my digestive system......and if that isn't bad enough now I am claiming ESA (employment support allowance) as my SSP has ran out with work, which is hardly surprising....and while they are paying me a whole £65 oer week!! whoopieee they have sent me a form to fill in which I think I need a PHD for.....man its huge!!!! I've been filling it in for two days now....oh well...its embarrassing to.....claiming benefits...I just want to work.....for financial and social reasons........almost 12 months now Ive been ill......but anyhow I don't want to go down that road of sadness now as the festive/happy time of year for most of us is fast approaching.....at least I have managed to get every ones xmas presents (as I have some ££ saved) and most of the wrapping done..just a few more to wrap and I'm done

The tree went up yesterday....and I will be at my sisters for Xmas day...I am looking forward to it as last year I spent all day in bed and boxing day we had the ambulance out...its seemed so long ago but now xmas is fats approaching its seems all to recent now....strange...

Anyhow long post again and Im tired now....so like I said I think I need a few days recovery...and I have my next B12 on Monday so I'm hoping again that helps.........

Today's picture is me and Ferg at the wedding from the weekend, I really love this photo

Thanks for reading again and I will blog soon take care...........Love LFB xxx

In Memory Of Gayle...May you now find peace...

Hiya again.....

Well another week has flown by, I've not been up to much....but I have done some things......

Had a bit of a rough week or so if I am honest and not all of it lay with being ill, I have made some online friends through various forums/groups associated with CFS, one was Gayle Bradford, a lovely women who I never met from Northern Ireland, most days we'd have a chat and comment on status's via facebook.
Then one day last week as I was changing my bedsheets I thought of Gayle (because she had been saying how lovely her new winter duvet was) and realised that I hadn't spoke to her for a few days and I knew she wasn't feeling that great, so I thought I'll post her a message via facebook to see how she was......Imagine the shock when I go to her wall to see an announcement that Gayle had decided to end her own life....She had just turned 32. I cannot describe how upset I was, I think partly through shock to, I just couldn't believe it, I know Gayle was poorly, although I have now since found out she was also battling some personal and horrible issues too which may have made her decision to take her own life.

Although I never met her I feel I became close to her via our messages to each other, and I know we shared alot of songs choices in common too, I hope she has now found the peace she deserves, I will always remember Gayle and was honoured to have been a friend of hers...RIP Gayle

So this did fill me with sadness last week, and probably carried on for the remainder of the week, and probably contributed to me not feeling great....

I went to the doctors on Wednesday for another blood test for coeliac disease, and this may sound strange I hope that I do have it and this contributes as to why I am poorly, so I can then start a gluten free diet and hopefully sit back watch my body heal itself as it should do and be cured......alot to ask for I know.......but I wait in hope....I am awaiting the hospital to contact me with the results...........I will keep you all updated (that's if anyone does still read this!!)

On Friday I took a trip into work for a update on my illness/health review and I know that as I have more or less in total been off for 12 months or so some decisions will have to be made soon, we will await these results and my next trip to the hospital and take it from there, obviously there is a possibility I will have to leave and I will be truly saddened by this but I must be true to myself and also the company.......I know lots of people who work there slag the place off, but that is one thing I will never do, my friends there always give me well wishes, even before I was ill I have always found support within the walls there too......I have been there 9 yrs.....god knows how I lasted so long, but I feel part of the place, like alot of my growing up (and yes I still need to grow alot more!!) has taken place there.
I also went into the main part of the building whilst there something I haven't done since April, and I did feel sick and nervous as I did it, but it was nice to see some people and have a few brief chats.......made me realise that I do want to go back health permitted of course...but who know...one day at a time.....and I will do what i right for ME....no-one else....I will control my destiny, so we will see in the new year where I'm headed.

Well that brings me up to currently, and I am resting lots this week and taking 4 B12 tablets a day (I can take upto 5) although the docs say they don't work they are giving me a little bit extra....as its me best chumleys wedding this weekend in Scotland, we are going Friday, wedding is Saturday then travel back Sunday...I cant wait, 6 months ago I didn't think I would make it...but I'm so excited.....I was also sad last week as Saturday was her hen night and I didn't go, I knew it would be stupid if I did and be I'll from ill and being at the wedding is more important....I sent Ferg on the Stag do though, so at least one of went...:-)

So take care for now guys.....I will give you a full update on the results/how this weekend went etc.....

So on Wedding themes here's one from my special day

Catch ya soon...love lots LFB x

OOOO I am here!!!

Hiya........Yes I have left it a long time again since I last blogged....

There is a reason for this and it may become apparent in this post, but basically I have been extremely peed off and frustrated and I didn't want this blog to become dark and gloomy like the weather, although I wanted to put all my thoughts and feelings in this for my own sake I would have ranted and spouted crap (no I don't usually!!!) and that wouldn't have been helpful to me or you reading this trying to understand this illness........

Anyhow I will begin with seeing my doctor on the 12th November, we gain chatted about things I explained that how for 2 weeks the injection gave me my old life back but had now evidently worn off, but he didn't want to increase my dosage, he wants to see how the next 2 injections go and then discuss that further....fair enough

I had my second B12 injection on 16th Nov and by the following day I felt great again, even tackled the spare bedroom....I was so looking forward to my birthday on 18th.....but no such luck, whilst I woke up feeling great after getting ready to go out I was sick......not sure of it was a 24 hrs bug or side effect form the injection...but I spent most of my birthday in bed......grrrrr.....

So the injection has not had the same effect as last time but it did have a positive effect initially......so I am not too dejected...it maybe a case that I need as I said before alot of B12 to improve my levels then an injection every month to maintain this....(even the nurse who injected me said that is usually the case) but I will just have to Wait for the next injection in 3 weeks now....

Then onwards to the 19th and my return the hospital, I saw a different neurologist this time not that i minded, she was really welcoming and nice, she did say to me that the MRI scan that I had on my brain (and I have been told about 3 times its all clear) show "Cholesterol Graining" on it...whatever that is, as she was unsure and will speak to the radiologist, I am not too worried though as I googled it and nothing came up, and she did say it could be something I was born with, and I know that a radiologist has looked at this already, although it does still make you worry slightly when you don't know for sure......

I spoke with her about the B12 and she wants to do YET MORE BLOOD!! to check my anitibodies and also to see if I have Coeliac Disease which is a reaction to some food products ie wheat...it maybe that I need a gluten free diet.....this maybe the reason that my B12 is low as having this is a malfunction in your stomach/intestine which does not absorb your food and therefore nutrients properly, it may also mean that I may have to have the camera down my throat!! The joys.........

That brings me back to my first paragraph of why I haven't blogged, I feel like I have been on a roundabout and just need it to stop, I am grateful for all the tests they are doing however just wish that they were all done in one go, everything seems to be taking too long......I will be going back to the hospital in 2 months but I will be on the phone before that for the blood results (I have the blood taken on Wednesday by the way as it was too late at the hospital on Thursday for it to be done)

However my life is just at a standstill at the minute....Do I need to quit work? Will I get better? etc etc....

I know i will get answers soon I just feel after 12 months I am no nearer to getting a confirmed diagnoses that I was in January.....so I have been quite down and miserable lately and I am better off alone when this happens as I will bite someones head of for no reason and that is not fair.....

I am just very lucky to have Ferg, my family and some very close friends to help pull me through times like this as it hard for me, but also hard for them to see the bubbly character that is usually me being on the floor....it is hard for them to deal with too......If it is that I have CFS/ME then fine I will accept that make changes in my life I need to a move on......if its something else then fine I will tackle that too.....its just the not knowing that really pees me off......

So that's that for now.....sorry its been longer than before but I hope you understand........

I need to cheer up soon as in 2 weeks my best friend gets wed at Gretna Green and I must be there and happy to.....but being around my friends will be a happy affair anyhow..............

Oh and I have Peter Kay tickets for next May too.....lets hope I'm well enough to go....I need some laughter

Today's picture is me and hubby...Love you Ferg.....xx


Take care guys and catch ya soon love LFB xxx